Eat, Spray, Love: My Quest for a Pristine Posterior

A guest post by Maman Loup’s baby brother, Sean Gallimore

This year has been a rollercoaster.

Every day there seems to be a newer, crazier story and there seems to be a never-ending parade of upsetting events. We continually hear how we’ve never been more divided over issues such as immigration, gun control, race and healthcare.

Amidst all of this turmoil, there is one thing that unites us—our need to pop a squat and move our bowels.

Yes, everybody poops.

Some people poop more than others. Some people only poop at home for fear of public restrooms. Some people only poop at work so they can get paid for it. (You can even calculate how much you can earn by pooping at work.) Some people poop with the door ajar and the lights off (I’m looking at you dad). Some people need to poop as soon as they walk into a bookstore (yes, it’s real and it’s called the Mariko Aoki Phenomenon). Some people poop after their morning coffee. Some people’s poop production skyrockets when they’re really nervous.

No matter how, when or why we poop, we all need to clean up afterwards.

For some reason, in North America the best we’ve come up with is smearing the poop around our butts until it’s gone. When would you ever do this in another situation? If you had a bunch of poop on your hands would you settle for a few napkins to smear the poop away and be satisfied your hands were clean? No—because that would be insanity.

Personally, I poop multiple times daily, so conservatively I’ve made over 20,000 trips to the porcelain crapper. That’s a crap-load of inefficient butt hygiene and a huge waste of toilet paper. The production of a single roll of toilet paper involves 140 litres (37 gallons) of water! The amount of toilet paper I’ve used in my lifetime is a crime against nature.

Enter the Aquaus 360 Handheld Bidet Sprayer. My butt has never been so happy. This little device has changed my life; I can’t believe I’ve gone so long without having one. As of writing this paragraph, I have been alive for 11,431 days. The vast majority of these days I have lived without the amazing butt-cleansing technology of the Aquaus 360. It doesn’t require any tools to install, it’s very easy to use, and it rests conveniently alongside my toilet. I’ve been requested to include as much detail as possible as most people have very little experience with using something like this.

Since using this product, my toilet paper use has plummeted. Previously, I would require several toilet paper squares folded over on each other (folding vs. scrunching of toilet paper is a whole other issue) to clean up. Now, all I require is two to three squares to pat dry. (My sister would insist you use cloth here.) No more wiping of the brown marker.

How to clean your butt with the Aquaus 360:



STEP 1:  Go poop.

STEP 2: Reach for the Aquaus 360; open the valve to allow water into the hose from the tank.

STEP 3: From the rear, aim the wand towards your butt (the actual stream is very narrow and the long, thin design of the wand allows you to get close to your target, so there’s no need to spray water over a large area).

STEP 4: Slowly, use your thumb to turn the pressure control to begin the flow of water from the hose. The controls are very fine, so you can start with a very light trickle and increase to a strong spray. (You don’t really need to ever use the full pressure, but if you’re washing or rinsing the tub, the full pressure is excellent. It would definitely be useful for washing cloth diapers as well.)

STEP 5: Turn the thumb pressure control on the wand to the ‘off ‘position and then close the valve at the base of the toilet.

STEP 6: Pat dry. (Use cloth if that’s what floats your boat!)

STEP 7: Marvel at how great it was to spray your butt clean.

Now, this is just one way to use this product. For myself, I only use it for tidying up after a Number 2, and I approach from the rear. As a male, I am not the best person to suggest how else this product could be used. My understanding is that the wand could be used from the front to clean oneself post-urination (especially handy during menstruation, I hear) or even post-sex. I suppose it could even be used from the front to clean up a Number 2 as well, because the wand is quite long (it even comes with an extender), but I find it more comfortable to use from the back. (It also works as a diaper sprayer, or vice versa … my sister has a diaper sprayer set up in her basement bathroom, which is conveniently also the guest bathroom.)

Many people are concerned about the water temperature. The water from the sprayer is the same temperature as the water resting in the toilet tank. It’s not warm, it’s not ice cold, but it’s cool. Some sprayer models do in fact have warm water, but they need to be hooked into your bathroom sink to access the warm water. I don’t like the space that this takes up, and I feel it’s unnecessary. I personally have never felt the need for warm water. It’s not a large amount of water, and it’s a short time that you’re actually spraying yourself with it. If you’re like me and spicy food is often just as spicy on the way out, the cool water is actually really, really nice.

I love my Aquaus sprayer and one day when I can afford a home with multiple toilets, each one is going to have a sprayer attached to it. Gone are the days of washing embarrassing skidmarks from my underwear and getting rotator cuff injuries from marathon wiping sessions. I have nothing but a clean, non-irritated and happy butt to look forward to in the coming years.

In conclusion, spray your ass with water, I promise you’ll like it.

You can discretely purchase your very own Aquaus sprayer via my sister’s affiliate links to Amazon.ca & Amazon.com

Just for funsies, here are a few titles we discussed for this post:

  • Bidet Bidet Bum Bum
  • The Family That Sprays Together, Stays Together
  • Watch Me Sh*t, Watch Me Spray Spray
  • Let Us Spray




2 responses to “Eat, Spray, Love: My Quest for a Pristine Posterior”

  1. […] You might also consider getting a bidet, and if that seems unlikely, at least read my brother’s article about his bidet. […]

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Welcome to my Wolf Pack!

My name is Lindsay and I am a 40-year-old mama of four trying to live an eco-friendly, budget-friendly life! I am a substitute teacher and Child Passenger Safety technician in Calgary, Alberta. Join me on my adventures!

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