5 Maternity Product Names that Make me Cringe

Scary Mommy is one of my favourite “Cub is distracted for five minutes let’s have a cup of tea” reads. Sarcasm might be the lowest form of humour (although I think potty jokes are), but it’s also my favourite!

Scary Mommy’s recent mommy terminology post reminded me of a similar list that’s been floating around my head since getting pregnant:

5 maternity product names

1 – The Hooter Hider

I am proud to announce that there is not one single person in my entourage who thinks the term “hooters” is an appropriate name for anything except a tacky restaurant chain. My breasts are not hooters. My breasts also do not need to be hidden while I’m nursing. The only thing that needs to be hidden is my face should anyone dare come up and tell me to hide my hooters.

2- The Booby Trapper

Boobies. It’s a really funny word, I’m not going to lie. You know what made me hysterical when I was a kid? Learning about the Blue Footed Boobie, that silly little Galapagos birdy with the naughty name! But that’s just it: no self-respecting woman talks about boobies. And further more, breasts are not wild beasts needing to be contained… errr… trapped when a woman is nursing in public.

3- The Udder Cover

Definition of udders: “Organ formed of the mammary glands of female quadruped mammals, particularly ruminants.”

I don’t chew cud. I don’t walk on all fours. I am not a cow.

4- My Brest Friend

If you’re not aware, My Brest Friend is a brand of nursing pillows (and associated nursing accessories). Don’t get me wrong: nursing pillows are awesome! But “My Brest Friend” sounds like a name for a training bra.

5 – Pretty Pushers

While I understand the desire to own a nursing cover (though I just used a blanket when I felt it necessary) and love my nursing pillow, a labour and delivery gown is not something I think every Mama-to-be needs to own. Labour and delivery aren’t pretty. You will not look pretty when you are giving birth, nor immediately after. Labour and delivery are beautiful experiences, but no gown, no matter how fancy, will make you feel pretty once coated in sweat, membranes and blood. Call me a Pretty Pusher while I’m having a contraction and I WILL PUNCH YOU.

Disclaimer: This post is in now way a commentary on the quality of these products! I just think they’re unfortunately named…

11 responses to “5 Maternity Product Names that Make me Cringe”

  1. Steph M

    Lol, I had my mom make me a birthing dress because I didn’t want to feel like a patient in a hospital gown. I proudly wore it for #2, but #3 came so fast I didn’t even have time to get undressed…let’s just say my maternity sweatshirt ended up in the garbage.

    Yes to all of these. I used Bamboobies nursing pads and I hate the name.

    1. It’s so funny… I considered Bamboobies as one for the list…I remember everyone laughing when I got them at my shower… But maybe I’ve since heard the name so many times it doesn’t bug me anymore?!

  2. BAWAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!! I giggled the whole time I read this….and laughed a little too hard at the “Blue Footed Boobie” comment. ahhh love this. too much. 🙂

    1. It’s a really funny name for an animal!!

      1. I’m so sorry…. I still laugh at that poor bird’s name twenty years after first learning it…

        1. Lindsay

          No need to apologize! I do too!

  3. Kristina A.

    In response to #5: Wait, what?!?! I didn’t look like a supermodel while I was giving birth?? My husband totally lied to me. 🙂

    1. Dawne

      Hahaha! Yes, you did! You looked just as glamorous giving birth as a supermodel does! 🙂

  4. Melissa E

    I think some of these names are silly and cute. I say boobies. I’m a silly person that laughs at silly things. I guess that must mean I’m not a self-respecting woman! Shame on me.

    1. Dawne

      Do you call ’em “hooters” too?

  5. Amy Hall

    I’m with you on the first 4, but the last one, I DID want to feel I didn’t look awful, or wearing something utterly unflattering (like an ugly hospital gown that didn’t actually fit) while I Was in labor. I had a homebirth so could wear whatever I wanted, and I searched for a tankini that was flattering, easy to move in, could get in the water with, would be easy to take off, and just cut the crotch out of the bottoms to be accessible. It eased my mind since I tend to be a little self-conscious anyway.

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My name is Lindsay and I am a 40-year-old mama of four trying to live an eco-friendly, budget-friendly life! I am a substitute teacher and Child Passenger Safety technician in Calgary, Alberta. Join me on my adventures!

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