So I’m writing this post at 6 weeks pregnant, but by the time I publish I’ll be a little further along. I can’t have my blog readers find out the happy news before my extended family!
As you might already know, we’ve been trying to conceive since May. Obviously, I’m pleased to finally be pregnant… every single time I would read a Facebook post about someone being pregnant, I got a kick in the ovaries. Jealous! (I hate jealousy, it’s probably my least favourite emotion… right up there with guilt.)
And yet, I find myself a bit ambivalent. Intellectually, I’m happy to be pregnant. Physically, I feel disgusting. Emotionally I feel like a bit of a wreck!
I remember when I was pregnant with Cub, and I would come home from work and lie on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I remember thinking how much this would suck if I already had a kid. Well, I guess at least I had no illusions about being pregnant with a toddler being easy!
I am sad to have had to wean Cub. I had hoped to nurse him during my pregnancy, but the absolute exhaustion and nausea I’ve been experiencing has shown me that my body is just not equipped to nurse a two-year-old (even if it’s just once a day) and grow his sibling. I am already super slim and have not been able to put on any weight while nursing: I just don’t think I have the reserves!
I had been looking forward to getting pregnant because I felt like once I had conceived, I would feel comfortable letting myself relax a bit, do a little bit less. Turns out I have a hard time with that! My husband works 12 hour days and is pursuing his EMBA, so while he is (of course) willing to chip in as much as he can, in many practical ways, he cannot. He’s not home from work early enough to pick up Cub at Day Care, for example. (And while I definitely have morning sickness, my supper-time sickness is worse!)
I’m also experiencing the impending guilt of how Cub will feel about a sibling this summer. I am already talking to him about the baby in my tummy, but I don’t think this means anything to him. I’m sure every single mother experiences these emotions:
- How can I love another baby as much as I love this one?
- What if he thinks I don’t love him, and that’s why I had another baby?
- Will he reject me after the baby is born?
- Will he be overcome with jealousy?
- What happens when there’s no room for him in my lap?
On a professional level, I’m wondering to what extent I will be able to maintain my career as a Social Media Manager and as a blogger. I’m confident that the blog will thrive with the new subject matter that is pregnancy and a newborn, but I don’t know whether I will be able to, or want to, continue working for other companies. I don’t think I’m entitled to a true “Maternity Leave” as I was with Cub when I had previously been teaching. In fact, I really have to get on figuring out what I am entitled to as a small business owner!
And since ambivalence is all about a bunch of contradictory emotions (I had to check the dictionary, just to make sure), I’m also excited. My second and most of my third trimesters were awesome with Cub: I felt radiant, fairly energetic and very happy. I know there’s light at the end of the first trimester toilet-bowl-hugging tunnel. Cub’s birth was also a very positive experience. This time, I’ve put myself on the waiting lists of every Birthing Centre in my area, as I’d like to give birth in a centre with a midwife. I might be well into my third trimester before they call me, so I will be followed by my lovely (but extremely busy) ObGyn until then. Not to mention that my BFF, Adrienne, has agreed to be my Doula!
I think like for a lot of Moms, this pregnancy still doesn’t feel real yet. Well yes, I really feel the symptoms, but the idea that there’s a baby in there is still super abstract. I’m looking forward to sharing this pregnancy with the online community I have built since Cub’s birth: the awesome bits and the terrible bits.
Are you pregnant or trying to conceive?