Scary Mommy is one of my favourite “Cub is distracted for five minutes let’s have a cup of tea” reads. Sarcasm might be the lowest form of humour (although I think potty jokes are), but it’s also my favourite!
Scary Mommy’s recent mommy terminology post reminded me of a similar list that’s been floating around my head since getting pregnant:
1 – The Hooter Hider
I am proud to announce that there is not one single person in my entourage who thinks the term “hooters” is an appropriate name for anything except a tacky restaurant chain. My breasts are not hooters. My breasts also do not need to be hidden while I’m nursing. The only thing that needs to be hidden is my face should anyone dare come up and tell me to hide my hooters.
2- The Booby Trapper
Boobies. It’s a really funny word, I’m not going to lie. You know what made me hysterical when I was a kid? Learning about the Blue Footed Boobie, that silly little Galapagos birdy with the naughty name! But that’s just it: no self-respecting woman talks about boobies. And further more, breasts are not wild beasts needing to be contained… errr… trapped when a woman is nursing in public.
3- The Udder Cover
Definition of udders: “Organ formed of the mammary glands of female quadruped mammals, particularly ruminants.”
I don’t chew cud. I don’t walk on all fours. I am not a cow.
4- My Brest Friend
If you’re not aware, My Brest Friend is a brand of nursing pillows (and associated nursing accessories). Don’t get me wrong: nursing pillows are awesome! But “My Brest Friend” sounds like a name for a training bra.
5 – Pretty Pushers
While I understand the desire to own a nursing cover (though I just used a blanket when I felt it necessary) and love my nursing pillow, a labour and delivery gown is not something I think every Mama-to-be needs to own. Labour and delivery aren’t pretty. You will not look pretty when you are giving birth, nor immediately after. Labour and delivery are beautiful experiences, but no gown, no matter how fancy, will make you feel pretty once coated in sweat, membranes and blood. Call me a Pretty Pusher while I’m having a contraction and I WILL PUNCH YOU.
Disclaimer: This post is in now way a commentary on the quality of these products! I just think they’re unfortunately named…
Gotta pay the bills...